There's lots of threads in ole Duder's head, man

At the risk of being totally stream of conscious, I'll try to give an update. I am still in what is called a "Warrior Transition Unit", which has grown to the size of a battalion while I've been here. "Warrior Transition" in the bizarre politically correct speech of any Federal Government agency is the Army's way of referring to Soldiers who are wounded and injured and may not be able to do what they used to be able to do.

I myself am doing pretty well, although I have had a minor set back on the shoulder. That said I am still tracking to be at 90% six months out of surgery for something I was told could take 12 months. So in addition to regular physical therapy (aside: physical therapists are some sadistic SOBs, it should be called Pain and Torture), and general working out I have been working on finding employment once I am released.

What fucking timing you say? Yeah the economy is a little shitting to be looking for work, which is why I have several COAs (Course of Action) running at the same time - looking for professional civilian work, looking for contract intel work locally (which there is a fair amount of where I live), and keeping the recruiters who deal in contract work overseas on the hook as a fall back plan. There is some good money still to be made in Iraq, especially with my background, but really I am not up for that.

I have also been trying (spectacularly unsuccessfully I might add) to learn how to type, teach myself Spanish, trying to forget Arabic, reading all the books I've bought and never got to read, catching up on what is going on in business and IT (my civilian profession) and studying for a 4 hour certification exam.

That's how I cope I guess, always have had to be busy. It's how I dealt with Iraq - work, work, work. And it's why Bosnia was such a tough deployment for me at first not enough to do (boy did that change, but that's another story, only Widge and some asshole I won't mention know much of it)

The last thing I have been trying to grapple with is, as the Clash said so eloquently "Should I stay or should I go now..."



I have been on Stoploss (don't feel sorry for me, I knew damn well that would happen, as should every service member who isn't on their first enlistment) since November of 2007 (say it ain't so!), so if I do nothing I will be out of the Guard when my terminal leave is over. Originally, I had no thought of staying in after I got back, but that was before greedy bankers ate my my 401(k) (which I think is now a 124(f)) so the Guard retirement looks a lot better, especially now that deployment time can be used to draw pay earlier. There also is the matter of my Naval Reserve Commission, which the Navy screwed me on when I refused to puss out of my deployment to Iraq, the details of which is probably another post. I have thought about going to my Congressmen to fight to have it reinstated, but then who probably end up working for the same asses that fucked me over in the first place. A lot depends on what happens on the job front, although my family wants me out no matter what, I have to make sure we have health coverage, and I only have 6 years to get a retirement, so I have to be practical.

So that's whats up. Pretty normal and boring really. I have been able to see a few buddies now and then, and that is always good. We had a great Regimental Dinner a few months back, and all I can say is getting a hotel room was a good call. The picture to the right is pretty much how I remember it. My buddy "Joe" is back from Asscrackistan, and I think my friends in Kosovo will back soon.

That's all that's fit to print, maybe I'll write some war stories soon. Or maybe not.

Holiday Cards Humor

Some folks might find this post offensive, if you are the sensitive type then click here. If you choose to read this and get pissed off, I don't want to hear it. *grimace*

So, both times I've been deployed overseas, around the Holidays we'd get all these great kids cards from some of the schools back home. They really are awesome, and, well, no one can really articulate why, but these cards really touch most Soldiers (except for a few cold, heartless fucks). It is something about the little stick figures, the smiling sun, and the Army tanks running over terrorists. It just touches a Soldier's heart. Ehhm, getting a little choked up.....

So anyhow, last Christmas, I got a stack of these, and set them out for the guys to look thru before I was going to put them on the wall. A few hours later, I hear this commotion in the team room, and everyone was looking at one card and laughing hard. Some joker had stuck the following card in the pack.

Front Page
Inside Card

Now remember, we were an all-male unit on an all-male base. And yes with no women around the humor was sophomoric, banal, and crude. Everyone got a good damn laugh.

Secret Squirrel

Anyone who has worked in or around Military Intellignce has heard the term "Secret Squirrel", often something along the lines of - oh never mind them, they're doing that Secret Squirrel stuff. I never thought too much about it's origin, but when I was searching online for this shirt, I got back a link to this video. I had a good laugh.

Relaxed lifestyles show Baghdad extremists waning

Why isn't good news from Iraq getting more coverage. Well of course good news is no news. And all those who said the surge would fail, don't want that brought up right as it appears they are about to take power of two branches of the government. At least this election will be over soon, then maybe we can go back to paying more attention to sports than foreign affairs.

The decision by some women to shun the Islamic head cover, or hijab, is just one of the signs that Baghdad residents are growing increasingly confident in the past year's security gains.

As for me, my water heater just went, so Barack and John - my vote is up for bid, whoever deposits more in my PayPal account will get my vote. I am sure the cost of all the RoboCalls and mailings to my house should just about cover a new water heater.

Yes, we are rude pricks

We were riding around the other day, touring our new home and looking at all of Saddam's old Palaces. We would stop and like a bunch of tourist get out and take pictures. At one point we (apparently) walked right into the yard of a bunch of Soldiers who live in one of the little houses on the water. Every building of the former regime has been converted into living quarters or offices, or headquarters complex. Anyway, the Soldiers living there came out to see what the hell we were doing. "R", ever the smart ass says:

Oh, don't worry, we're just taking pictures, we've actually been in Iraq for our deployment, we've never seen this shit.

I hadn't really thought about it before, but we practically lived outside the wire, we worked with Iraqis a lot, drove around, talked to locals, ate outside the chow-hall (okay, kitchen, we didn't have a chow hall). It was dirty and smelly and a little dangerous a few times, but it was real. I can't imagine what doing 12 to 15 months of living on one of these huge bases, looking a t-walls and dust must do to your mental state. I've only been here a week-ish and I am depressed. You would spend a year plus here, and really know nothing about Iraq except it is hot in the summer, and people shoot rockets and mortars at you.

(if you can tell which Palace I decided to post, I'll buy you a beer...unless I don't like you)

Managing Deployment Stress

I meant to write about this topic for some time, but always had something better to write, or was not feeling like writing anything. Before I get into this, I want to share some of the things that can cause deployment stress, just to give ya'll an idea. Grumpy may or may not have experienced any of these.

Grumpy's semi-random list of stress inducing crap, in rough order of stress-induction:

• Actual combat
  
• Being shot at randomly
  
• Being forced to endure PowerPoint presentations that are 95% fluff
  
• Being mortared
  
• General Order #1 (or as I call it G.O. # Fuuuuuuuuuuunn!)
  
• Watching your vehicle begin to roll into a ditch in slow motion
  
• Lack of accountability for failure or poor performance
  
• Listening to some POS try to take credit for everything done by others
  
• Having to listen to another person explain why they are just a farmer and we got it all wrong
  
• Whiny terps who make $175,000 and bitch if they work more than 4 hours a day
  
• Uniform regulations
  
• Anyone who answers every question with "Ani?"
  
• Listening to REMFs who sit around reading regs trying to find a way to qualify for another medal
  
• Inability to fire shitbags and deadwood
  
• Sergeants Major
  
• Officers
  
• Privates

Hey what do you want, I'm Grumpy afterall.

It is impossible to do much about any of these things, so one must find ways to manage the stress they bring about. Soldiers have always had some tried and true ways to do this:

• Fighting
  
• Drinking
  
• Having Sex
  
• Working out
  
• Humor

The first is generally bad for team cohesion (but not always), and, unbelievably to many who have never served, the military in it's infinite wisdom has outlawed the second two, to include pornography (see General Order #1 above, I may write more about the stupidity of this, but that's a whole 'nuther post). That really only leaves working out and humor. Well, some would argue video games, which many people play to escape, but I do not agree.

Exercise

This is too easy to skip in the go-go world of 16 hour days, 7 days a week, but it is essential to find the time. And although I am guilt of having missed my routine when "business" was good, I quickly got back on it. Some guys work out everyday, more disciplined than me I guess. There were even a few who worked out twice a day, but the key is to find timing and a routine that works for you, but mainly to burn off stress. I used to like to run, but had hurt my ankle and foot in Ft XXXXX before deploying. Which took time to heal because of all my LaCrosse and Football injuries from school (or maybe it's just that I am getting old? -- nah.) Inspired by Tin/Katana I tried using the Elliptical and found that to be very effective without pounding my knees and causing my ankle to swell (mortars attacks were doing a fine job of that!)

Humor

This would be CI Roller Dude's top advice, and personally, as grumpy as I may be I always try to find a way to laugh at our situation. There are a couple of great Combat Comedians in my unit, notably "B". But "D" is certainly one of the best, and that was one of the best things about my CA Guard unit - there were lots of us with twisted senses of humor. We've played many a practical joke on each other.

So, those are my big two, hard to say which is more important than the other to making it out of here sane. If anyone has a good deployment practical joke story, I would love to hear it.

And Now for Something Completely Different

Okay, this is waaay off topic, but I stumbled on this while poking fun at an old friend on Facebook. This is ROTFLMAO funny - Stuff White People Like

Operations for Dummies

I wasn't going to post for a few more days, but this is just too damn funny. I know my buddy CI Roller Dude will especially like this. The funniest thing though is the fact that this is way more accurate than the real FM. Sorry if this doesn't make a hell of a lot of sense to my civilian readers, but trust me - this shit is funny. ht to B5

The Army has a lot of processes that it is still trying to figure out. Don’t worry about these things. Just be happy if somebody actually gets you an order that you can understand in time for you to do something about it.

Oh and be sure to read all the way down to the glossary. My favorite:

Soldier: Individual speaking in expletives and wearing cool-looking digital camouflage that doesn’t blend in with anything.

Happy New Year to All.

Chirtmas Mookie

Tried to write an update today, but I am tired, have a headache, my feet are killing me, and this cough I have had for two months makes me see stars every time I have a coughing fit.

Things here have been interesting which doesn't necessarily mean good, but I'll save that for a proper update. I have gotten and shared a bunch of care packages - I am way behind in getting thank you e-mails out, but we are all grateful. I must say Hope's cookies are very good, but the brownies, holy shit what did you put in them?? Guys were fighting each other to get another brownie, I mean it - people were being thrown on the floor, out the door, etc.

Anyway, I am going to throw back a few beers and pass out, but thought you all might enjoy a peek at our early Christmas spirit - to the right is a picture of the Christmas Mookie. It is not well know, but Muqtada al-Sadr dresses up as Santa at the Iraq suug (marketplace) and hands out gifts and good tidings for all the little hajji's. One of his most popular gift is the lego advanced IED kit and the Mookie action doll with suicide belt.

Murray

This is Murray, he is the biggest ass on camp.

Some things just don't translate

I am working on a update post, but I have been incredibly busy. And on top of working late every day (it 0112 right now and I am just going to sleep) the call to prayer blares out every morning at around 0445 and goes on and on.

However, I found this in the laundry trailer and had to share.

If you notice there are lemons in the upper left hand corner, making this lemon barf. I checked the label to see where this was made - can you guess? Who would have thought we'd have Iranian barf to wash our clothes with. You just can't make this shit up.

The Rule of One

Saw this in a comment over at Jack Army, and it is so true.

The "rule of one." i don't know if this is common knowledge or not, but the theory is:

in every group there is one real asshole.

if you can't identify him, then you're it.

Do you know if you are the one? Jack Army can help you figure it out fool.

It's a Chuck Norris World

I can't add much to the debate following the Petraeus / Crocker report, other than to say the attacks on the General's integrity are below despicable. Soooo, instead I thought I would share some humor.

One thing I didn't mention from my Iraq trip is the latrine poetry - we've all seen it, whether in High School, airports, or sports venues. But I have to tell you, and my brothers and sisters in arms will vouch for me here - nowhere has it been elevated to such an art form as in the military.

It was the second thing everyone was talking about after the heat - did you see the art work in stall 6, yeah, what about the Nasty Girls rant in stall 2. But what seems to be as omnipresent as "I was here" are Chuck Norris facts.

What the hell are Chuck Norris facts? Well, here a few examples:

• Chuck Norris doesn't shoot erhabee (Iraqi for terrorist), he stares them down until they explode.
  
• Chuck Norris does not sleep, he waits.
  
• Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
  
• The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
  
• Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
  
• Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
  

Can't get enough and want more, well someone has taken the time to compile Chuck Norris facts for your reading pleasure.